A Real Man

Yesterday I helped out my friend with a bunch of yard work. It was a little strange for me to be so willing to help him, growing up I hated yard work. But I was helping a friend, plus I was going to be able to use a chainsaw. I guess it was mainly for the chainsaw. We went to pick up the chainsaw. The owner was a single lady and the chain was off the saw. Neither of us had used a chainsaw before, so we didn't know how to put the chain on. We asked if we could take it to a hardware store to have someone put it on. She scoffed at us. Then she said, "you don't need to take it in. You can walk up to almost any man in the neighborhood and they'll know how to put it on". We realized then, that neither of us were real men. We had no idea how to put a chain on a chainsaw. Luckily there was a real man living next door to this lady. He generously helped us get the chain on and then demonstrated how to use the saw. Eventually we had both used the saw. Then the chain came off. Deciding I wanted to test my manhood, I put the chain back on myself. It worked. I can use a chainsaw and put a chain onto the saw. So now I can truly say I am a real man.

I know how the earth was created.
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago the earth was a huge jawbreaker. One day God decided that he wanted to eat it. So he stuck it in his mouth and began to suck. He sucked and he sucked, but like all jaw-breakers it changed very slowly. So God just kept sucking. Frustrated by the slow progress he took it from his mouth and glared his wrath upon it. Then a sudden understanding came to him. He realized he was looking at a most precious piece of art. His jawbreaker had transformed into a miraculous, half eaten, masterpiece. "I will name you Terra Firma, for you are exceedingly hard to change," he said. He licked it and stuck it into space. Then he proceeded to create the other planets in our galaxy. But the earth was his first so he saved something special for it. He sent his children to live their mortal lives on the surface of the Terra Firma or Ridiculously hard jawbreaker as I like to call it.

If you want to know how he created the oceans just think about how you change a jawbreaker.

Flying

I dream of flying.
Mostly it is gliding.
This sailing through the air,
leaves me without any care.
I'll swoop and swirl
droop and curl.

Then birds jealous of my jaunt
will ask, "what do you try?"
"I am flying," I will shout. "I am flying without any doubt".
They reply, "eventually you will fall. First you will stall, then you will fall, fall, fall".

Looking down, I see the ground.
My lungs compress.
My stomach rises through my chest.

Alone I'll lie, fallen from the sky,
trying not to cry.
My broken wings lie nearby
encrusted,
encrusted with my alibi.